Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like people just assume you don’t know anything? Could it be that you’re over analyzing the situation, or is it that you’re ultra sensitive to that feeling and notice it more often? Do you notice this sentiment from certain groups of people or after certain events? Has something occurred that’s made you self conscious – especially when it comes to criticism and advice?
If you can pinpoint the answers to those types of questions, you may be on your way to solving your own discomfort. However, while you’re rummaging through your mental clutter, one thing is important to keep in mind: Remember your social graces.
I’m a girl who will speak her mind if prompted. I’ve come to realize that if you don’t speak your mind, you might be walked on, talked over, or made to feel unimportant; however, if you’re going to speak your mind, do it calmly and with confidence.
The following advice is something the chorus already knows, but the lessons bear repeating. Time and time again, we seem to forget these little things, or think they’ve changed, or think we’ve moved past their applicability.
One big trick to dealing with the curve balls life throws at you is to use supportive communication – don’t become defensive. Defensive communication stems from trying to protect self image, or feeling threatened or attacked (citation). From experience, defensiveness is a surefire path to conflict. If your response to something comes out as being defensive, ask yourself if what you’re defending is either consciously or subconsciously wrong. Chances are that if you truly believe in whatever you’re defending, you’ll be less likely to overreact in a manner that comes off as being defensive. You will also be more likely to talk the subject up in a smart way, which clearly defines what you know.
I urge you to take about 3-5 seconds or one deep breath before responding – take that time to make sure your reply to the scenario is right on with your values and beliefs.
Another area we get into defensive communication is in response to someone who believes they’re absolutely right. It’s irritating – you have the studies and science to prove them wrong, but on some ideological basis, they know they’re right. There’s no reason this idea-hashing has to escalate when you’re talking to someone who’s convinced they know the ropes. When you’re responding to that person, try to do it with as much calm, grace, and poise as possible. Stop yourself before you try to respond with an argument, a complaint, or a statement indicating just how wrong they are. Often, you learn more when you’re open to others ideas on things you may think yourself an expert, especially if you can find out WHY they think the way they do. If you get excited, though, and raise your voice and your temper, the outcome is doomed.
Calmly state what you know, what you believe and leave it at that. If they continue to press the issue, or if they’re argumentative, ask yourself if that’s really a conversation you need or want to be a part of. Is it worth it? If the person you’re talking to is argumentative, it doesn’t matter how solidly grounded your facts and knowledge are. No matter what, they’ll be resistant to your idea.
In rational discussions, if you’re calm when you’re stating the facts, you’re going to seem approachable and un-defensive, and the person you’re talking to will be less prone to defensive communication as well. Your message will be well received – they’ll hear more of what you’re saying if you’re collected.
It’s important that you speak your mind, stand up for yourself and your beliefs, and call life like you see it. Learning to be calm and collected when you speak your mind isn’t always the easiest task to learn – it takes patience and practice. We often want to “put people in their place” without backlash, but the reality is that people are generally going to react and it’s hard to effectively predict the outcome. The best plan is to talk to others the way you’d talk to your self. Don’t put them down for a faulty idea, but reasonably explain what you think/know/believe.
This kind of “social intellect” seems to have fallen apart at the seams in non face-to-face interaction; however, remaining hidden behind technological advances sometimes hinders our ability to communicate in scenarios where defensive interaction reigns. Just because your face is hidden behind your monitor, you shouldn’t dismiss social niceties like RSVP’ing or responding (even with a nice “Hi, Busy now. Will write later” message) to mail.
The same principle is true for your social interaction on the web. If you write rants and negativity via your online persona, you’re probably going to have a lot of frustrating communication. Instead, if you’ve got something unproductive to say, don’t; if you’ve got information contrary to what you’re reading, discuss, but take a couple minutes to read what you’ve typed out before you hit send, since many informational dialogue cues are lost in the cyber-world.
Even with the technological ease of connecting with people, you need to get out of the house, talk to the Starbucks guy, or that nice salesperson at Macy’s and practice your social graces. If anything, technology has made us forget how important it is to try to be pleasant. It’s so easy to log in, and immediately find people just like you, but humans are social animals and if you don’t practice this skill away from your monitor, your social life and smarts might suffer. I’ve heard many people recently complaining that it’s hard to meet new people, but these people aren’t getting out of the house to do anything. When they make friends, they sometimes find it hard to keep those friends because they’re so used to the say-what-you-will online mentality that they forget the effort it takes to appreciate people in reality.
The moral: Get out and exercise your charming self. With practice comes perfection, and social skills are no exception.
For those who would like to read on about Socializing with Finesse, Psych Today has your number.
Also, Staying Cool When Things Get Tense, also from Psych Today.
Stay cool, and collected, chickies!
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