The Art of Manliness Is Applicable to Everyone

So you may have noticed – we have a houseguest here at Bonne Vie!  Everybody say “hi” to Jaka… Jaka, say “hi” to everybody!

I’m pleased to be working with this genius of a girl to bring you content that’s relevant to your WHOLE style.  We hope you enjoy these little brain-nuggets just as much as we enjoyed discussing and plotting them out.  And now I present you the first installment:

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We came across this article from The Art of Manliness the other day and ended up in a deep conversation about gender roles and the deep-seated issues in relationships that revolve around traditional thought.  The post is very informative and largely accurate, but to the casual observer it might make women seem like under-developed emotional weaklings. Though a lot of the points are true – like men needing to express their feelings in a “healthy and mature way” – at first glance it sounds like men have to coddle to women when they’re emotional. If you’re a guy, in the context of the article, this could sound like quite the double standard.

Image from LA Film Forum

In a way, it is a double standard, but it’s one of many that we live with, and use, in our daily relationship lives. Just like men and women have different sexual responses and are good at different tasks, men and women process information (and emotional situations) in different ways and don’t communicate in the same manner.

The truth is, the topic of “how to be a rock” should be a lesson for both partners instead being only about the man.  The perspective of the article is purposely man-oriented, without giving much attention to the role of the woman in the relationship. [The title of the site, "The Art of Manliness", isn't necessarily a woman-inclusive environment - even if many of the articles are written by a married couple].

A lot of the statements in the article are completely true for and applicable to both genders. If it were talked about in a different way – maybe a more all-inclusive way – it would make perfect sense, regardless of gender roles. While it’s traditionally the man’s job in a (heterosexual) relationship to be the rock, we’ve come to a point in our societal development where it’s okay for the woman to be the rock or to switch off when needed. In fact, it’s generally considered to be more modern and healthy for both partners (regardless of gender) to fill the “rock” role at some point.

So, keeping all that in mind, let’s look at a more inclusive view on the points in the definitely-awesome Art of Manliness take on being strong for your significant other when they need it.

• Be a haven of safety. Your significant other needs to know they can come to you with whatever is rolling around in their head, no matter how vulnerable it might make them. Maybe they’re afraid for their career path or their pet leeeezard died. Or maybe they want to be able to talk about the inner workings of the universe. Regardless of the topic, make it known that you fully support discussion. In the same vein, support their aspirations, whether or not you personally think they’re worthwhile, because you’d want them to do the same for you.
• Unravel the problem. Sometimes you need to deconstruct something in order to solve a problem, just take it all apart. It takes cool heads and patience on both parts, though.  Sometimes picking out the important pieces to get to the real reasons for a problem can sometimes uncover others.  Make sure to check in with each other while you’re talking and stay on the same page.
• Formulate a plan….or not. Lessons like “listen and be responsive in a way your partner needs” are definitely applicable across genders. If you don’t know what kind of support they need, ask! Some women need solutions when they vent. Some men don’t want solutions. It’s just a matter of knowing what your partner needs to hear when they’re in a bind.  Even if they don’t know whether or not they need solutions or just an ear and sympathy, talking it over is a great way to find out.
• Never say: “Don’t worry about it.” This never helps.  Ever.  Regardless of gender.  If your partner is stressing about something, it’s a genuine worry and it shouldn’t be trivialized by dismissing it. Also, using this sort of response equates to just saying “fine” to end an argument.  No one likes that.  Closing off a conversation like that says “I don’t care”, and you do care, so it’s important to express yourself properly. In both instances, you don’t want to trivialize your partner’s feelings or worries.
• Delay your grief. If you had a shit day or you’re already depressed or you’re literally grieving, it’s entirely possible that your SO is going to need your help to cope with something, too.  If something traumatic happens to both of you, you both need to be strong for each other. This might mean delaying your personal pain to work together to solve the problem like responsible adults, before becoming emotional.
• Express your emotions in a mature and healthy way. Don’t scream and throw plates when you’re upset. You wouldn’t like it if your baby yelled “fine!” and stomped off in a huff, so you should be mindful of your emotional reactions, too. Both men and women process emotion in different ways and, just as it’s unhealthy to bottle up emotions, studies have shown that too much emotional expression (outbursts!) are also unhealthy because they focus on feeling the feeling rather than processing the feeling.
• Take care of business. Take responsibility for speed-bumps in your relationship. Take responsibility for you, so that if needs be, you can take care of your partner.  Take care to ensure the solidity of your relationship. Men tend feel heavy societal pressure to be the rock for women, but in reality, it’s a shared responsibility, one that shifts from one to the other when necessary. It takes (at least) two to make a relationship work.

The take-home message here is that, when your baby needs you to be strong, it’s about them, not you.  You might be uncomfortable at first and it might seem a little weird to communicate differently, but once you realize that it makes everything easier and more fluid, it’ll all seem completely natural.  Be open and honest in your communication; be strong when it’s needed, vulnerable when called for.  And most of all, be loving.

Until next time,

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