While flipping through June’s Elle last night, (I go through it a couple times, once for the pretty pictures, once for the articles and once to tear all my favorite images out of) I stumbled across a quote that seemed incredibly relevant:

“It just reminds us how different “real” women and celebrities are when it comes to their relationship with fashion.  Stars [and internet stars - my emphasis] use it to build an image; the rest of us look for clothes that connect with some inner part of ourselves – we need self expression, not a fan base.”

As the much-talked-about Blogger Beautiful post from Gala Darling points out,

“We all retouch our faces to be blemish-free, & if you only knew how many bloggers manipulate their waistlines or thighs in Photoshop! My point is, some fashion blog images are as unrealistic & idealistic as what is presented to us in magazines.”

Our relationship to the clothes, the platform, the photos are all different – but for many of us, it’s a form of self expression, not a means to a fan base.  And the beauty of that is that our self expression is what keeps us beautiful, relevant, shining, bright.  I sometimes wonder if, as fashion blogging becomes a bigger industry, it is becoming less creative – following the footsteps of the fashion world.  I wonder that and then I remember all the unique, down-to-earth, well read and amazing people whose lives I’ve been given a peek into.  And if they stopped blogging (and if you stopped blogging) and being them (your) selves, yes, fashion blogging would be less creative, less fun, and less intriguing.

When we give ourselves permission to be and feel everything we are – monstrous, large, loud, brazen, occasionally ugly – we age backward.

Translate that: when you love yourself regardless of your bad hair days, your outfit faux-pas, your gaffes in public (I’m a total goober in public, but I laugh, because it’s often hilarious!), you are nothing but inspiring – even on your non-fashionable days.  When you allow you to be you, when you’re not afraid to post images of yourself, and challenge others around you to do the same, you are courageous. That’s what style blogging is all about.

I sat down with the book and a notepad, and diligently followed a few of the exercises.  Was I “this” or “that”?  Was I “matte” or “glossy”?  Was I “round” or “square”?  How do I feel in a bookstore?  How do I spend my free time?

As I wrote, I began to notice that I was writing the same things over and over – not one or two words, but whole lists of words written out like punishment on a chalkboard.  Soon enough, I stopped writing.  I would gloss over the questions, and read others’ responses.  Playful Casual… I liked the sound of that.  Dramatic Contemporary… I like the sound of that!  Cultivated, Magic, Frivolous, Vintage, Connected, Cherished, Feminine, Cosmopolitan, Treasure, Vibrant, Curated…  Full-time Dreamer.  Motherfucking Starchild Odyssey.

And as so many of these words kept popping up, I realized that I just like words for words, and that I couldn’t boil my life and experiences down to just 2 words.  Sometimes I feel like Cultivated Magic.  Sometimes I feel like Connected Treasure.  Sometimes I feel like Frivolous Vintage.  I looked at my closet, I looked at my house.  I looked at my art, I looked at the treasures I collect.  I looked at these little slices of my life and all of them were different, and intertwined and just as much a part of me as the next.

At this point, I haven’t been able to nail down two words that define me.  80% here, 20% there.  I haven’t been able to hit that magic number and I think it’s because I often feel like I’m more than a ratio.  The whole “trying to fit my existence into two words” felt a little like surpressing all the other words I wanted to or could possibly be.  And I know that that’s the point – once you figure out those magic two words, your life falls into place, you realize who you are and what path you’re on and all the sudden the Universe magically opens and you can rename your blog and your cat and your purpose in life.

Unless you’re like me… in which case, all of that happens without having just two goddamn words.

I have to give it to Style Statement’s authors.  They genuinely made me think, and I’m not sorry I bought and read over half the book.  And I think someday, I’ll probably plow through the rest and realize what I’ve been missing. Eventually, maybe, I’ll find that magic definition (Ooh… that’s a good one, right?  Magic Definition?!) that I can’t quite nail down because my brain is a maze of letters and pictures and stars and numbers.  I tried so hard to want one of these statements but the Childlike Wild-Thing (Is that one?  I dunno… I think that’s 3 words) inside me cannot commit to one set of ideas.  Objets Magiques, Strange Treasure, Random Clarity… my brain fills up with all the words I could be – words just spilling right out of my ears, there are so many – and somehow I’m comforted in knowing that somewhere inside my head I’m already defined.

As my Notes from the Universe said the other day: “Insisting on details, Birdie, always limits you.”

In a grand gesture of “I DO WHAT I WANT”, last night Scarlet bleached out sections of my hair framing my face and I took the plunge.  See, my hair is this mix of blue demi-permanent dye mixed with a purple-silver-black demi-permanent dye.  You can tell it’s this indigo color in bright sunlight, or – if I’ve got my hair pulled back, you might discover the tiny baby hairs around my face are blue.  When the color fades I mix a little Special Effects blue with my conditioner and my indigo color springs back to life.  That is, unless Scarlet has bleached out portions of my hair, which then turns this manic cobalt color.

I’ve always had hair color that isn’t my own (since I was … 14?) and I think it’s fun to play with color that way.  But it was always a red, auburn, sometimes the color of cherry cola… and then a few years back I lightened up and we put some orange into it.  My job at the time scoffed, but decided it wasn’t my whole head.  It was also a color close enough to real hair color, so that they left me alone.

And then we played with highlights…

And then I decided it should be pink – or at least partly so, in order to keep “the man” off my back about having an “interesting and unnatural” haircolor.  The hilarious thing about that was being called out at work – a passing comment in which our HR person told me, “Well it’s not like it’s blue or purple or green.  It’s close enough to real hair color so we won’t have to write you up.”

It never dawned on me until then that I could maybe be “less” if my hair was a strange color.  I mean, it’s not like the dye alters your brain.  The society we live in is more accepting of tattoos, piercings and things out of the ordinary, so why should I be written up for having HAIR that’s an interesting color.  Of all the things that could be “wrong” about me, as a person, you pick that?  Something as harmless as hair follicles.

Last night as we pulled the blue color through the bleached hairs, I thought back to that feeling.  I’m interviewing for some freelance/contract stuff right now and I wondered for a moment if having fun highlights in my hair might ruin my chances for work.  Because let’s face it – we still live in a world where “the man” can reprimand us for self expression.  So I may NOT get the job – regardless of whether or not I work harder than the next girl who doesn’t use bright colors in her hair.

I had a brief second of “O wow. What have I done?” and then I realized that I don’t want to work in a place that doesn’t accept me head to toe.  I will put my best work forward for that company that says “we don’t base your performance reviews on hair color”.  I realize that comes from a position of privilege – some people may not have the option of saying “I don’t want to work anywhere that doesn’t like my (unnatural) hair color, tattoos… etc”.  But I also think there has to be a way to approach these companies we work for and say, “Listen, I want to express myself this way – You know it doesn’t affect how I work for you”, without fear of reprimand.

And there’s a whole ideology behind that statement – “I whip my hair” is the power of individuality (that, or I’m reading too deeply into pop culture).  It’s the power of you over those who think they can keep you down.  Fear of individuality?  That’s no way to live.

What do you think?  Is your company cool with that? How do you handle self expression at work?

Don’t shop? The words roll around in my head.  Don’t shop?  Isn’t that what fashion and style bloggers do?

I had stopped checking all the sample sales, I turned a blind eye walking past the H&M when I was laid off – but it was an upcoming ladies tea… and the curve of a wedge heel, and the urge to shop was there.

It’s not that I need to buy, I told myself, I just like looking at stuff.  The cut of a hem, the drape of a satin, the alluring sparkle of sequinned tanks.  And besides, what harm can browsing do?  Except, I saw this dress that was a gorgeous sateen cotton and I had to try it on.  And that was the trap.

“I’ll just try this on… it probably won’t fit.”

It didn’t.  The dress was too small to get over even my narrow shoulders and because I mourned the ill-fitting cut of the dress, the entire experience gave me pause.  I can’t afford to just browse and shop.  It’s true that I have great reason to browse – I can surf through a collection in person and write about it later.  But it was the realization that I went into this store, consciously ready to consume.  Unwittingly ready to buy had that little dress fit (and had it been oh… $10 cheaper – but even $10 is easy to rationalize) and I didn’t realize that until I was majorly bummed that it didn’t fit.  I had a guilty second where I thought to myself, “I should NOT be here…”

Stepping outside the store gave me a breath of fresh air and I rationalized that I’d been emotionally shopping – I went in because I was bored and killing time.  I haven’t felt the ego-blow of being laid off (because ex-employer was sort of a dick), but there is a sense of mania when I ask, “What am I going to do with myself now!??!”  I’d rationalized my purpose for going in (“Oh I can just browse to kill time…”), but I hadn’t realized that I went in with the wrong mindset.  At that same time, if I had seen something truly unique and special, that would seamlessly integrate right into my closet… shouldn’t I buy it?

I need to be aware of the underlying mental reasons for wanting to “just browse” – and if I had cash-in-hand the situation would have been much different.  If you’re going to browse – just browse – without having the money in your pocket to purchase, do so with an editorial eye.  Had I gone in, in the right frame of mind, telling myself “I’m going in because I want to note the construction of this line, or the new trends and fabrics”, I probably wouldn’t have put myself in potential debt danger (wait, how was I going to pay for this dress if I didn’t have the money on me?  OH right!  Credit!).    Had I gone in with the actual money right in my hand, I would have been justified to try and buy.

I don’t think the solution to not frivolously throwing money out is to not shop.  It’s a source of wardrobe inspiration, and often it’s a source of blog inspiration.  Hell, we probably all spend at least half an hour browsing through sales on the internet while we’re looking for post-fodder.  I think the solution to that mindless consumption is to be mindful of why you’re shopping, and what you’re feeling while you’re doing it.  And to think I almost rationalized an ill-fitting dress just to satiate my feelings!  I think for me, it will be about having that money right in my hand and available when I actually want to shop to consume.  And to realize when there is an underlying emotion as I’m out surfing the racks.  Don’t shop to kill time, but do it with a sense of purpose – whether that’s to write about the experience, or to actually purchase something.  Know your purpose, be mindful of your triggers.  Shop, but know why you’re there.

Mindless consumption is a pretty serious and prevalent problem – especially when you’re on a limited budget.  How do you stay mindful while browsing?

Psychedelic - Img via GalaDarling

I was flipping through titles at the book store the other day and something caught my eye.  In Entre Nous, the author Deborah Ollivier insists that French women have more “je ne sais quoi” than American women.

American women ask themselves, “How do I remake me/my wardrobe/my life…”

French women who possess that “je ne sais quoi“, ask themselves, “How do I make me/my wardrobe/my life more me?”

See what I did there?

Apparently, Parisian women are so much more intriguing and mysteriously seductive because they know who they are, without a doubt.  They work on building that character instead of pretending to be a different character.  They use that to their advantage, creating a world based around themselves; as a metaphor, “cultivating their inner garden”.   Let this strike a chord with you for a second.

Apparently, Parisian women continually work to refine themselves, not to change themselves, or to become something different like the rest of us spend so much time doing.  Ladies, don’t deny that sometimes we sit around, all starry-eyed, wishing we could be the next Mary-Kate, when instead we should be cultivating ourselves and refining our style to reflect exactly what it is that draws us to that image.

Know thyself.  Discover thyself.

These words ring out from every self-help and style book on the planet.  Yet we spend all our time and efforts trying to be different.  We try to be  unique, cool, interesting.  It’s cool to be special.  Individualism is the norm.  Maybe it’s not about trying to be a certain ideal of cool, but instead embracing that inner individual, that wonderful weird that we try to bury to be this and/or that.

Like the garden metaphor, the authors of Style Statement suggest we spend too much time “out there” (p45) – not working on what feels right, what feels like us, and what feels authentic.  We try too hard to be special, unique and ultimately cool.  We stray away from our “inner homes” wanting so badly to be more stylish, prettier, wanting to have more friends and be more of an influencer.  We invent these crutches to escape our inner home, confused by the mixed messages about who we are and who we should be.  When we’re confused about who we are, we latch onto ideals of beauty, weight, purchasing power that have nothing to do with, and little to no bearing on who we truly are, inside.

Style Statement’s authors simply say, “Style is an expression of personal truth – never without meaning” (p76).

I confess, I did pick up both books, because realizing I haven’t put that “je ne sais quoi” into words is like realizing I haven’t been serious about cultivating my inner-self.  I want to know how to make my life more “me”.  I don’t think I’ll learn it from a book per sé, but I feel like I’ll have an interesting perspective to start building my life, my way.

Today I’m spending a little bit of time meditating on that personal truth.  What is that overall theme that defines me, guides my life, draws me towards deco-inspired prints, futuristic shoes and crazy fur hats?  It’s not something that I’ve really thought of – even though I’ve spent time coming up with a style direction for the new year.  I’ve never stopped to think about the unifying “me-ness” of every thing I do, so I know exactly what part of me to cultivate.

Have any of you tried their method?  What did you think?

Raincloud by Carl Kleiner

I had a day full of promise, killed by the droning rain and my inability to sleep past 4:30a.  Yes, I woke up at 4:30, tottered around the house, was finally able to go back to sleep until around 8.  After breakfast the TORRENTIAL rain started and I have wanted to do nothing since.  While I sit here waiting for the maintenance people to patch the ceiling that was leaking last Friday, I came up with 10  ways to appreciate a rainy day…

* A mug of mint tea, and Amelie

* Napping to the sound of the rain on the window

* Long LUSH baths (Blackberry, Avobath, All That Jas, Sakura) and good books

* Puppy snuggles (or kitty! If you have one) and the latest fashion rags (I mean… mags)

* Obnoxious bright pink homemade manicures (and pedis!)

* Bread baking, soup-making!  Leek and potato soup for me… And maybe cookies?

* Craft party – it’s a perfect time to hot-glue some goodness together to make fun headbands.  Also, assembling cute earrings… etc.

* One-woman dance-a-thon in the living room (it’s my anti-rain dance!)

* Power cleaning my workspace (getting rid of clutter, putting things away).  Bonus points for combining this and the dance-a-thon idea.

* Big umbrellas and long walks – rainboots are a must!

Since I’m waiting on the maintenance guys and it’s raining buckets out, and I’ve officially missed pony-time, I’ll be in my office dancing… er….. cleaning up a storm, if you need me.

What are your best rainy day ideas?  I could use ‘em!

Yours, always,

In a way I was shocked, but I definitely wasn’t sad.  I came in, did my work, and went home to the rest of my life.  If I’d thrown myself into it wholeheartedly, we should have written me off entirely.  In my eyes, I would have been a fool doing a fool’s job, instead of an uninterested but intelligent person doing what I had to to get by.   And that’s the thing – when you start working on something you actually care about, everything changes.  Necessity is the mother of self-invention.

YSL image found at theerrantaesthete.com

There is a quite the necessity in heading out into an unfamiliar world, armed only with the tools you’ve gained along the way.   What do I do with myself, where do I go and how do I maintain a lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to?  I spent a few moments asking myself that.  Well of course, I’ve applied for school, I have Deco Modiste, I have a little work here and there for Totally Blown Glassworks, and I have my own little side project,  making crafty stuff to sell on Etsy.

I asked myself this very question and quickly realized:  You do what you can with what you have with where you are – to paraphrase Bob Dylan.  I have things to do!  Places to go!  And a few maxims to keep in mind…

Be a little fearless and ready to embrace the moment.  Be aware of opportunities that spring into your lap.  These opportunities may take a moment to build, but are worth a lifetime in experience and possibility.   Fretting about what you’re going to do with your time from here on out is silly when it blinds you to all the stuff you could be doing that could become your day job.

Make yourself accessible and user-friendly.  Put yourself out there, carry your business cards (which I had from before my unemployment) and toot your own horn – but in a way that will make it easy for your potential project to come to you.

Redefine the concept of money so you feel comfortable making it.  Maybe you realize you don’t need to make a lot of money to be very happy.  Most millionaires are uncomfortable being seen as rich.  Maybe it’s the connotations that the word “rich” brings to mind, or maybe it’s the fact that the work that rakes in the dough doesn’t make them feel rich inside.  Whatever the case, toil away at something that moves you and you’ll feel rich.  Or toil away at something simple and enjoy the richness of your life outside your day job.

Desire less.  Yeah, fashion/lifestyle blogger says, “what!?”  But learning to cull your desires for *newnewnew* and waiting for *the best* to come around may save you money in the long run, right? Look for things that are versatile, buy only if it’s not something you have, and make sure it will stand up to the wear and tear of your every day life.

Find a way to be generous.  Give your time where you can and good things will come.  Maybe you find that definition of “rich” that you feel comfortable having.  Expend effort, give a hand here or there.  Maybe intern or volunteer (totally qualifies as being generous with your time) and you may find that real opportunity you’ve been looking for.

Got any more tips for me babes?  Cos I could use them!

Yours always,

Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would likfe to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual. Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude- the attitude of courage, frankness and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high.
We are gods in the chrysalis.

Elbert Hubbard – Mental Attitude

A good thought for today, while it’s rainy and gross.

Unrelated PS, in a conversation with Ma Mère, she said, “It is better to be hoppy than to be sad”, during a conversation about why we like IPA… Gigglefest!

“We are all going to die at some point so you might as well wear a crazy hat, you assholes.”
-Auntie Marie at Agentlover.com

Girl has a point.

Your life is too short to do things like: Purchase a party dress that will never get any play because you don’t have somewhere to wear it; Keep that expensive eBay investment bag in a dust bag in your closet for fear of ruining it; not wear your grandmother’s engagement ring as your own for fear of losing it; Not wear those fancy Loubies you bought because they cost a pretty penny…

You see where I’m going with this?

Life is too short not to: Take a plunge to do something different, because your day job sucks all the life out of you; burn the candle at both ends every once in a while because you’re excited about the new projects you’re working on; sleep in late and waste a little bit of a day because you can; learn a new craft or skill that you’ve always wanted to, and now you have the time for it.

I have a friend who said to me, recently, “You need to go out and do things for you.  You don’t want to wake up one day and find out it’s too late.”  He’s so incredibly right.  The beauty of life is that you only have so much time to make it yours, and your time is never wasted, but sometimes it could be better spent.

I’m not saying you should be the grasshopper and not the ant (all play and no work has consequences), I’m just saying, make time to prioritize your business.  Carve out a day in your planner to make sure the things you need to do/experience/make get done.  And if you can’t do that thing right now, start writing out the plan to get to where you need to be.  The first step is the hardest.  Always.

Be kooky, be weird.  Take chances, understand your risks.  Create, create, create!  Create love, create magic, create a space where you can be awesome.  Rock out, work it.  Be you.

Memory Lane by Violet on Flickr

Those things happened – but they are no longer reality.  Remind yourself of that, as often as you need to.   Remind yourself that you can start from scratch, and you will move forward.   Look yourself in the eye and say “It happened, it’s over, and it isn’t my now.  I’m moving forward”   Guilt and despair are both little angry voices inside your head that belittle you and keep you down.    Guilting yourself won’t make it better;  guilt won’t make the hurt go away, it won’t make anyone forgive you.  It won’t make you a better person.  You know, deep down, you did the best you could with what you had, and what you were dealing with.

I know just saying it won’t make it any easier, but you have the power to realize the past is like a dream.  It’s something that happened in some other alternate universe.  Time helps.   And so does knowing every day is a do-over. That past thing doesn’t make you who you are, but it points you to where you need to/want to be.  Think about the situation – not as an actor, but as an observer – like you’re watching it on tv or reading it in a book.  When you’re ready to be done with the weirdness, close the book.  You can feel empathy for the characters, but mentally remove yourself from the scenario, taking with you the ultimate lesson.

Quarantining those old memories - is in a sense, like closing a book –  it frees you from all the emotions attached to each memory so that you can move forward into new situations and adventures.   Waiting for external closure means missing out on better opportunities.  Realizing the closure you’ve had since is key to turning that final page in the book of your memory.

If it’s absolution you’re looking for, every new day is absolution.  It’s your chance to do everything and do it right.  The universe doesn’t remember what happened – only people remember and chances are their view is skewed in their own personal way.  They forget the way it was, they remember things that happened differently.  Take two deep breaths, and hold your head high.  You’re the best person you can be, and that’s pretty damn good!  Those other people will think what they will  - always.  And the beauty of that scenario is that when you don’t give a damn, you feel a lot more peaceful.

Remember that you have time on your side.  You have the power to cultivate new experiences.  You have a whole span of time in front of you and with that, you can choose to wallow in the stuff that has happened, or you can choose to make new, amazing things happen.   Now that you’ve finished that chapter, you’re ready to move forward.

Got anything to add for those out there in readerland?  Leave it in the comments!